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Post by dizzi800 on Jan 20, 2009 23:40:57 GMT
Here I breathe
Here I run
Here I play
And the rhythm goes on
Bump Bump
Here I socialize
Here I love
Here I hate
And the rhythm goes on
Bump Bump
Here I yell
Here I shout
Here I fight
And the rhythm goes on
Bump Bump
Here I toke
Here I shoot
Here I join
And the rhythm goes on
Bump Bump
Here I breathe
Here I ‘love’
Here I fight
Bump…
By: Me. |
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Post by Suki ~Graficcha on Jan 20, 2009 23:48:33 GMT
Here I 'toke'? O.o
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Post by Schemilix on Jan 20, 2009 23:50:28 GMT
Mnyyeeaaahhhhh I won't even start...
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Post by dizzi800 on Jan 20, 2009 23:59:46 GMT
Toke: Puff of weed
Schem. I can take critisism
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Post by Schemilix on Jan 21, 2009 0:01:25 GMT
...That's not the problem; actually don't know where to start...
Have you ever considered novels? ^^'
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Post by dizzi800 on Jan 21, 2009 0:03:40 GMT
yes. they usually stop being written at page 2... maybe three.
what do you mean you don;t know where to start? :S
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Post by Suki ~Graficcha on Jan 21, 2009 0:05:41 GMT
One word almost nobody uses or even knows in a poem that sounds like somebody from fifth elementary wrote it : /
bump bump, that sounds like a forum troll. It recites like a dreary history teacher reading the 44 presidents in my head, too.
bump.. bump.. what.. rhythm.. *nasal drawl*
It just doesn't WORK for me Oo
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Post by Schemilix on Jan 21, 2009 0:06:44 GMT
It's... Empty and just not a poem? Poems... I dunno just too much... Word and not enough heart.
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Post by dizzi800 on Jan 21, 2009 0:12:29 GMT
*sigh*
1: Toke is used alot over here in Canada
2:*sigh*
It's about a how a life can start out so innocent (Breathe, run play) and can rake a turn for the worst (Toke, shoot, join)
the bump bump being the rhythm of the heart.
so at the end, everything's the worst. so there is a fight. and the person dies hence the 'bump...'
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Post by Schemilix on Jan 21, 2009 0:13:38 GMT
...That was painfully obvious Dizzi, it just held NO emotion.
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Post by dizzi800 on Jan 21, 2009 0:21:06 GMT
I see where you're coming from again, it might take awhile to get back into the rhythm of writing. I haven;t written anything in awhile.  Anyways. I feel like Hitler. art is good by the book, but emotionless. haha. |
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Post by Schemilix on Jan 21, 2009 0:27:44 GMT
Yeah it lacks oomph, vivaciousness, life.
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Post by dizzi800 on Jan 21, 2009 0:31:53 GMT
I getcha. thanks!  |
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Silvos
Lil' Tack
Anyways. I feel like Hitler. art is good by the book, but emotionless. haha. 